The hard stuff is the stuff we don't talk about. It's deep and dark in the pit of our stomachs. Or at least that's where mine has been for the past 26 years. For the majority of my life I have had no idea what that ick was or where it was coming from. I was holding a silence and completely blocking the ick unknowingly. I didn't talk about it to anyone in my family. Turns out those threats really work. The fear he put in me for so many years. 26 to be exact. They've come out of me in a way I could have never imagined. Walking around in this life seeing things in the darkness of suicide and murder all around me. My thoughts are that of a book im too scared to read. Worried that everything is a tool used for evil. A bath to drown in, A street to be run over in, A ceiling to hang from, and the deep dark fear that everyone is out to get you and now your kids. Turns out the brain doesn't like not remembering so it tries to piece the puzzle together and I think I've seen too many scary movies. I had begun to be so over protective of my kids and of myself there felt to be no safe person or place. Thank goodness I turned out to have an appearance of a high functioning sexual abuse victim because inside after doing this for 30 years I don't feel as such. A person that has learned over the years how to hide the fact that she views everything as a tool being used towards us for evil. A person that can still have fun and play hard with my little ones. A person that knows well how to protect my little ones from the evil that once corrupted me. Thankful for the army that is helping me raise amazing children. Children that will always feel protected. They get to know there are giants around them who will always hold them in their palms and let them have a childhood. BE CHILDREN as children should be.
The thought that being sexually abused from the age of 4 to the age of 9 dictated how my life was to go angers me to no end. The way i've lived, the way i've done every single relationship i've encountered has been a direct result of an act put upon me by another. Being told what to do by someone else actually makes me cringe at the very thought of it.
I am blogging about this because it is part of my healing process. I am in extensive counseling at this point in my life and am so thankful for the connection i've developed with her and can now say i'm a very strong believer in the help they have to offer. This is something i'm not willing to protect anymore. This is the hard stuff and the hard stuff happens. I just talked to my brother and my mom about being sexually abused with in the past couple of weeks. In as much detail as I feel comfortable sharing at this point so early in the game. It felt amazing to enlighten them..to open up and let them NOW hold me in their palms and protect me. Did you know that One in three girls and one in six boys are sexually abused before the age of 18? It's not okay. And I have the opportunity to share with you my journey, because i'm ready to heal. I'm ready to have fun. I'm ready to not have anxiety or the thoughts I contain in my head. I'm safe. I am sharing my story so that I can start healing.
